Saturday, February 28, 2009
Update on my Progress
Monday, December 29, 2008
Paxil experience and progress
Hey everyone. I am Alex and I work as an Engineer. I decided to write a blog (on my Paxil progress) couple of days back to help people who are on Paxil. This is my first time writing a blog. So, please forgive my typos or grammar. I appreciate your patience.
Background
I would want to begin with Paxil progress; however, I would like to give a brief history as to why I am on Paxil. I hope that you folks will not get bored with my story. To start with, during my Master's I was very busy and used to sleep only for few hours a night. However, I managed to enjoy every moment of it. When you have many people around, you tend to not think much about yourself. I landed in a job as soon as I was done with my Master's. This is where the fun begins. Welcome to the professional world!!. It sucks and if you are an Engineer, then god save ya.
As it was a new department in the company, I was bound to struggle in the initial months. Guess what, my enemy (stress) started to creep into my life. Months passed by, I used to eat some stuff lying around in the apartment for over 6-7 months. In addition to this, I used to get a drink or two of scotch every single day. I used to drink so that I could sleep peacefully. However, the work thing got into my head so much that every single minute I used to think about the solution to the problem. I became obsessed with work. I have this thing that I if there is something bothering me, I need to solve the issue no matter what the case. There were days when I worked for 36-48 hrs straight. This went on for quite sometime (years).
Meanwhile, amidst all the aforementioned things going on, I started to get serious heartburn issues, bloating, pain etc etc. I went to the doc when it became unbearable. The doc told me that its because of Stress and I need to reduce the same. Yeah right!!!. I was prescribed Nexium for 2-3 months. I started to have some reprieve from the burn, pain and I was happy. This did not last for long. The stomach issue started to accrue tremendously and here we go again, I was in distress and it’s like Dejavu all over again. Nexium and Prilosec to the rescue. Things settle down, until after I came back from a long vacation, things turned out to get ugly. I was on the verge of getting Pneumonia, Bacterial infection and so on. The treatment (Nexium again) went on for couple of months. Finally, I broke down, became depressed with my health, work, personal life, and in the end was depressed with my existence on this planet. Those days were horrible. I cannot even imagine of the pain I have been through with all these. I wish that even my enemy would never face the issues I have been through.
Symptoms
Fall of 2007 is when the stress started to take over my mind. I started to have scalp itching, which became severe during the winter. I was scheduled to go on a vacation for almost 40 days and this was the last thing I wanted. I visited a dermatologist and the doc told me that it’s usual and due to my stress at work, it’s getting aggravated. The doc asked me to lower my stress and take life easily. I said ok and moved on. Came back from the vacation and during this vacation believe me, the itching was hardly noticeable.
After the vacation, I was sick like hell and went to the physician again. The doc told me that I am on the verge of getting pneumonia. I was on antibiotics for 2 weeks and slowly started to feel better. 15 days after the recovery, I started to have severe stomach issues. The physician referred me to a gastroenterologist. The doc performed endoscopy, sonogram blood tests and lot of other tests. Guess what, the doc told me after a week that everything was normal and its due to stress. After 2 months, went to the doc again because of severe nausea. The doc told me that I might have IBS and put me on some medications. I recovered slowly.
The scalp itching became very bad. I was not able to sit in front of the PC for long time. Used the bathroom in the office and used water to quench the itching. It used to get real ugly in meetings or when I was around with friends. It became so bad that I was not able to think for few mins and my job involves nothing but think a solution all by yourself to the problem. I thought that the itching will subside and started to take it easy at work. Months passed by and no relief from the itching. Finally, decided to visit the dermatologist again. The doc told me that I need to take shower everyday and this is how it ends. There is nothing wrong with my scalp. No scaling, no dandruff, no bruises and so on. I was given steroids for 10 days or so to check if that take cares of the itching. These 10 days were amazing, no itching and I was very happy. Wait a minute, 1 week after the steroids lost its effects, it started all over again. Jesus, the itching became really bad.
Let me rewind the clock 10-15 years. I swear I don’t know why, but it was very difficult to convince myself. I used to perform all kinds of acts to convince myself. These acts or rituals (not actually) would last for couple of seconds to 20 mins. I used to spend too much time in these acts. It was not that bad and these things went away after couple of years. I almost forgot about this disorder, as it did not bother me at all.
Stress at work, stomach issues and scalp itching (I have left out two more important things that added to the misery), made me go berserk. I was so upset with myself that if things did not work out in my way then I used to yell at myself, scream literally and I have broken countless number of glasses in rage. I thought to myself as to what is happening to me. I was a calm, composed person and I am turning out to be a monster. I started once again to talk to myself and tried to convince myself to take it easy and not to think bad about anyone or myself (believe me I used to picture myself in a car crash or a plane crash. I used to picture others as well dying). I thought that I am going mad and I need medical attention right away.
Paxil
I visited the physician again. I told the doc about my itching, talking to myself, breaking glasses and so on. After talking to the doc, I felt some kind of relief in my head. The doc told me that I was keeping everything inside and I was not talking to anyone about my issues. My friends had no clue as I was laughing and enjoying when I was with ‘em. The doc told me that I am suffering from severe stress, anxiety and mild depression. The doc told me that the itching is not related to skin issues and the problem was inside my head. I was prescribed Paxil. Here we go, I am officially an unstable person and the tablet is going to stabilize the chemicals in my brain.
I was very upset on the day I was prescribed a depression medicine. I drove miles to figure out as to why these things were happening to me. I was a very jovial person and I have no clue as to why I have turned out to be a different person. I pondered a lot to understand the solution to this problem. I used to find a solution to the problem at work and I was successful most of the time; however, I was not able to find a solution to my own problem in life. I was not willing to talk to anyone about these issues. I felt miserable.
Paxil Progress
I will try to point out every experience I have had with Paxil. To see how my body reacts to Paxil, I was on 10 mg initially. The doc asked me to visit again in 2 weeks.
Day 1 – end of week 1: I started to take the medicine in the morning after breakfast. Day 1 was horrible; I was not even able to open my eyes. I was so drowsy that I slept in my car for 30 mins while at work. I thought it will take a while for me to get used to it and even after 3 or 4 days I was so sleepy that I called the doc and asked if its ok to take the tablet before bed. I started to take the tablet from Day 4 in the night. I slept like a baby. No insomnia, no sweating nothing as such. I used to sleep very well. In the daytime, I was slow to respond to anything and my entire body was feeling relaxed. I used to be very calm. My colleague asked me “What happened?, you are not cribbing about anything nor you are yelling at anyone?”.
2nd week – end of week 2: 2nd week was the same as the first week; however, I was getting used to the med slowly. I used to work for 9-10 hrs a day and by 5 or 6 in the evening, was so damn tired that I came home and hit the bed. It used to make me sleep well and thank heavens that I did not suffer from insomnia. I was more tired and tired everyday. I simply used to yawn even if I had slept for 8 full hours in the night. I slowly lost touch with my friends. Made an excuse that the doc has prescribed me lot of antibiotics and hence was very tired. Continued with this lie, until a friend of mine asked me as to what is going on with me. I almost broke down and just let it out. I felt relieved; however, was not happy with what was happening to me. I spoke to my friend couple of times, yet nothing turned out to be fruitful. I lost about 5 lbs, as I hardly ate anything.
3rd week – end of week 4: At the end of this week, I was tired and was losing interest in doing anything. Just felt like staying at home and relaxing. Actually, I did nothing, just worked, came home and slept. In the weekends, I used to go out for few hours and then come back and take rest. I felt that the dosage had to be increased and the doc increased it to 20 mg. I was told to take this 20 mg for 2 months and then re-visit the doc again. Started to have diarrhea. Lost another 2-3 lbs.
5th week – end of week 5:
I started with the 20 mg on a weekend. I knew that the repercussions of the increase in dosage would be big. I felt ok. However, come Monday and Dejavu all over again. I was more tired now than the days when I was on 10 mg. After working 8-9 hours, I was exhausted and couldn’t even drive. I managed somehow and used to hit the bed without even changing the clothes. Was not eating anything and lost couple of more pounds. Now I was weak, very weak. I wanted to cry so that I could just let everything out. But, I was not able cry. I was almost emotionless. I was on the verge of taking the entire dose of Paxil at once or use the knives to cut myself so that I could cry. Yet, I was happy with the medicine doing its trick. I was calmer than ever and my patience increased tremendously. My road rage, cursing people, OCD everything started to come down bit by bit. I felt light sometimes. It has been days now since I had met any of my friends. I just wanted to be alone and stay relaxed all the time.
6th week – end of week 6:
I could easily feel the increase in dosage. The drowsiness and weakness continued to this week and I totally lost interest in everything. Just wanted to be left alone. I used to sweat quite a lot in the night. Woke up several times in the night to make a quick run to the restroom. In addition, it was very difficult to wake up in the morning. I managed somehow and went to work. Believe me; I know the pain I have been through while I was working. It was simply unbearable. Also, I started to get light skin rashes (here and there on the body) and the itching from the same. One day the itching became very bad that I had to take anti-histamine; however, it was only on this day that it was too much itching all over the body (FYI, my body is kind of sensitive to dryness and I guess Paxil causes more dryness and thus the itching erupts).
7th week – end of week 7:
Things were slowly returning to normal I guess. The yawning was less; I could concentrate more and was not sleepy in the morning anymore. However, was still very lazy to get up in the morning. There were days when I used to get up very early and still be energized. Now, it was the opposite, very difficult to make myself get out of the bed.
One day I had to go to the airport to pick up a friend of mine. I was on this chair relaxing, when suddenly I felt the entire area swirling around me. I held the side bar so that I could not fall on the floor. I felt that the air inside is making me dizzy. Got up to go outside and breathe the fresh air, when suddenly everything was blurry. I sat down again and told my friend that I wanted to go outside. He accompanied me to go out and I felt relieved. This was the first time that I had a vertigo feeling. Dang!! that was crazy.
I am still having the dizziness, blurry vision, slow thinking or talking, cannot move my head suddenly and the itching is still there. I felt that sometimes I was more depressed than before. I thought that after almost 8 weeks on Paxil, I might see some change in the itching. I swear I want the itching to go away, I am sick and tired of it now.
I am away from all of my friends now. They wanted to lend their hand if needed and I just pushed them away, so that I could be all by myself for a while. I don’t know why, just wanted to be left alone. Sometimes I felt I wanted to go out with ‘em, dang the mood changes, hate that when it happens. Hope it will get better.
I am sure that y’all will be thinking that I only have side effects from Paxil; however, as mentioned earlier, I am calmer than ever, have lot of patience and am taking everything easy. Tension and stress have reduced quite a bit. The progress is slow, very very slow. Another one month to meet the doc; hope that things get better by then.
I will update this blog, as and when I find time or if something interesting pops up.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)